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Joan Crawford serves Betty Davis' head on a platter in "Mommie Smearest".

In the parody novel, “Mommie Smearest,” Joan Crawford writes from movie star Heaven under the alias of her original name Lucille LeSueur, addressing her feud with Davis, and lampooning modern reality celebrity where, as Joan says, anybody with a smartphone thinks they can be a movie star — or president.

From Dearest to Smearest

The story opens with Joan Crawford trying to seduce her way out of a Hell where she would be forced to watch endless newsreels of Kardashian interviews and Donald Trump policy statements.

She is granted a conditional second chance where she must return to Earth to both explain her "Mommie Dearest" sins and perform good works. Most importantly, she must rescue celebrity status back from today’s reality stars, politicians, and tweeting civilian wannabes.

From a secret base in a Florida trailer park, Joan gets to work, launching an uproarious plot line that lampoons today’s so-called celebrities and illustrates Joan’s steadfast support of the LGBT community.

Through each sidesplitting page, Joan stalks her pompous prey wherever they hide: in sports stadiums, boardrooms, at Trump Tower, or in the New York Times social columns. In between her squabbles, Joan offers flashbacks from her own life, including a never-revealed audition for TV’s The Brady Bunch. She also makes a music video, performing as the rap artist m.o.m.m.i.e.D


Final Verdict

The hilarity wraps into a neat, tidy bow that includes criminal indictments, a high-profile gay wedding, and the final verdict on whether Joan is to enter Hollywood Heaven or be relegated to Hell.

“Mommie Smearest” serves as a reminder to be true to one’s self and recognize the falseness of fame, especially in today’s celebrity-obsessed culture where one doesn't have to have starred in "What Ever Happened To Baby Jane" to be considered famous.

Read Joan Crawford's latest parody-reviews of "Feud: Bette and Joan" here.

“Mommie Smearest” is available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble, as well as in select bookstores nationwide.